sense// nothing

face in your hands 
you hold your cheeks and close your eyes
tiredness seeps through every part of your body
your skin pulsates to get you out of it

heart as gold as sunshine
thoughts as sorry as the rain
you never seem to know why you feel this pain
you cant remember half of what made you happy yesterday
but you can remember what has turned you numb this way
remember how you were dying to live
and now you're living dead

eyes lose focus
you lose time
she sits beside you
and your numbness feels like a crime
"I love her so bad" you say
but do you?
or do you just not want to be alone another day
"I do, I do, I do" beats your heart
you're scared you fool
after all
you've never been loved back
but you've definitely been stabbed there

happiness isn't your forte
so you hide away
"I'm supposed to feel happy,
I finally have the things I used to die for"
but you souls still demands more

you look at the sky changing colors
you hear the music playing in your ears
you listen to your dissatisfied heart
you used to feel the rush of it all

The world turns around and crashes on the highway
you watch it all twist and turn with nonchalance
There's death and blood
There's rebirth and glee
you sense everything yet you feel nothing
you look into the horizon 
and it's meaningless
yet again.

here I am but I don’t want to be

I want to die once then die again
and again and again.
if that's what it'll take to be at peace
I will burn once then burn again
and again and again
if that's what it'll take to be at ease
I will cry once then cry again
and again and again
if that's what'll make my heart feel less heavy
I will fight once and fight again 
and again and again
if that's what it'll take for you to let me be
I will sing once then sing forever
and forever and forevermore
no matter what it'll take to feel glee
I will love once then love forever
and forever and forevermore
no matter what it takes to feel free

In the rain

It rained one morning and I woke up distant somewhere
I lied there feeling detached from a reality I couldn't bare
I heard every muffled word under the loud silence
numbing my thoughts to the forthcoming violence
fast forward to today
I can't seem to care about life's repetitive relay
It rained one morning and I felt like I was everywhere
every passer by, every face seemed to have a story to bare
I heard every raindrop, every voice and every alley meant something
I looked, yearned and searched for meaning
fast forward to today
I can't seem to process half of what I hear or say.
it rained one morning when i felt like i wasn't there
I saw no one and I had nothing to bare
I heard echos of a life I couldn't live
while apologies for my existence is all i could give
fast forward to today
I can't seem to remember half of my worst days
I'm waiting for it to rain one morning when I'm aware
Through body, soul and spirit I am really there
you and I will dance in celebration
of our love and life's liberation
I wish I could fast forward to that day
I can't seem to dream of a dream as beautiful as this any way

Diary entry of a life gone to waste

I fell asleep in my old busted single couch and I woke up rubbing my eyes. I realize the cigarette burned through the carpet again, another addition in this shabby apartment I call home. No matter how much I sleep my eyes still feel heavy. The crust and gunk in my eyes make my vision blurry so I rub my eyes some more. I sigh and get up but it feels as if my body weighs a ton and it’s just hanging from my soul like gum on a stick. I drag it to the messy bed and throw it on the middle. I stare at the ceiling. I lift my index finger and move it in a circular motion in the air. This is what I always do. Go in circles every day. Tomorrow is just going to be like yesterday. I lie there and I think of why and how I got to where I am now. Why did I leave my life, my love and my family and run away into this cave of ash and sorrow. This is what I always do. Think and rot.

I think about it like I always do. It was just yesterday she was in my arms and I was in love. It was just yesterday I was laughing with my friends. What had happened? I don’t think I remember. The calendar says it’s been over 5 years, but it’s feels like forever. The life I had just feels like a movie I watched long ago. I think of how it was a dark comedy before it turned into a romantic one then had a few happy scenes but instead of a ‘happy ever after’ I got this void of nothingness. Hadn’t I chosen this myself? I don’t think I remember.

I had dreams of being golden and bright like the sun. I wanted to sing and dance. I wanted to shine. When did I burn out? I don’t think I remember. Now I write pages and pages on end. Until all alphabets jumble up and my eyes tear up with exhaustion not with feelings.  I don’t think I’ve cried since I stopped crying two or three years ago. I play whatever records I find in the music store. I always keep the music playing. The only time it’s not playing is when I’m writing, because I need to think. I don’t need to think the rest of the time. I look at the clock it’s 8 PM, I’ve forgotten to eat. It’s just the third day anyways I’ll eat tomorrow. 

My lungs feel like they are made out of charcoal, this is a familiar feeling so I don’t mind it. My skin is dry and peels off when I prod and poke at it. There are scabs all over on my body and my fingers unconsciously scratch them till they bleed again and again. I keep my hair shaved off to a buzz cut but its growing back because my arms felt too sluggish to lift the razor. I haven’t bothered cutting them again. There might be ants trapped under my skin because of how badly it itches. They say your conscious mind is located right between your eyebrows or slightly above, there’s where it itches the most. If I stop myself from itching when I’m awake, I wake up with scratches all over my face and body. It’s as if I’m trying to tear something out from inside me. I used to be a bit overweight now I’m scrawny and my bones touch my skin. Somehow my body still feels heavier than I’ve ever felt. I look unrecognizable now. The man I was is long gone. Does it bother me? No, I don’t think I mind it much.

I remember feeling happy. I remember being in love. How soft and nurturing she was. I remember the overwhelming way it took over my soul and spirit. I remember how strange it had felt. How I feared of loosing what I had but doubted my feelings, my mind wasn’t having it. Depression was home, my mind knew that. So it fought back. I think I had to run away from it. Yes, I had to run away. I packed up my bare necessities, my dreams and my plans, and just left. How did I manage to leave and when did I decide it? I don’t think I remember. Where there other reasons too? I don’t think I remember. I lie there thinking and moving my index finger in circles in the air. I try to speak but my throat is parched so I just whisper to myself;

“Today is tomorrow and yesterday is too; I dwell in numbness and grey sorrow, I know no other hue.”

In the end, I couldn’t outrun my mind so I just numbed it down. So now I just write, listen to music and I fade away. I think of the life that I lived and I think of the life I am living, I am filled with a strange amalgamation of apathy and regret and a sprinkle of longing too. But I’m too far gone to dare to feel sorry for myself. So I just write, I think and I rot. 

See also: Deep in a dream by Chet baker

heaven is a peace of mind

heaven is a peace of mind 
or a love one of a kind
loss of spirit, sea of sorrow
will pass away with leaves of tomorrow
to love is to feel no fear 
hell's near, still stand clear
tomorrow would have been just yesterday
if you weren't mine to stay
to ponder is a hopeless notion
your scent restricts all motion
your touch awakens, my eyes obey
my tongue knows what to say
fill in the cracks of a broken heart
with melodies of fear and love of art
If hell I have to adhere
I will watch you walk away my dear
If heaven is where I have to be
I will keep you next to me

I’d find you beyond the rainbow’s end

I look out the window of the bus and see the same streets I’ve seen all my life, every day I look out at them, but they still seem strange and unfamiliar. Through my tired eyes and worn out young body it always feels like a temporary abode rather than home. Even though I’ve been here all my life, I feel strange when I get back to the house I share with my family and the same four walls I have known. As I try to shower off the day’s exhaustion and grime off my scabbed and scarred body, I notice that the constant need to escape has ceased for a while now. I guess I’ve managed to find solace in this hell. 

These days, I feel like home when I’m holding my girl, she’s so soft and so beautiful, the little soft noises she makes when I hold her tightly feels like spring time. The way she looks at me with her big eyes feels like the moon is finally staring back at me after all these years of looking up at her in yearning. She smells like the smell after rain, fresh and enchanting. She sings as beautiful as a shy nightingale. When she talks I can’t look away it’s so magnetizing to watch her glow like a firefly. She is so musically gifted, I feel so enamored when I watch her play the guitar or the piano with her careful fingers. I’ve never had something so wonderful in my life and it’s scaring me. She is the kind of person I could only dream of calling mine. I never thought it would actually happen in reality. I don’t know why my mind keeps telling me shit like “be careful she’ll hurt you” or “you don’t deserve this” but what is scaring me most is when it says “you don’t even like her that much you’re lying to her and yourself too” which I know is not true at all. I have been through so much trauma and betrayal in life that I have become numb to feeling things as excessively as I used to. Feeling my feelings have become a calculative thing to do. So even when I do feel honestly, my mind makes me question it all and it fucks me up, but it’s not too bad though, nothing I can’t deal with, I know what’s true now.    

I listen to love songs most of the time and I think of her. Surprisingly she and I both have a similar taste in music. I listen to everything but my favorites have been punk rock and jazz and she loves them too. I was so ecstatic when she liked most of the same jazz songs I do. I just think of her whenever I hear them now. I chat with her when I’m at work because I’m always wondering what she’s up to. In the weekends, we meet and watch a movie and relax together. It’s only been a month since we’ve started dating, there’s so much I want to do with her. So many places to be, so many things to see, so many memories to make, so many memories to rewrite, but it’s summer and the 50 degree weather will kill us so I have to look up indoor places like art galleries and cafes, which is more than enough for now.

I want to believe things can be good for me without having to pay the price with horrible things happening in return, I want to believe life can be good for me without having to feel guilty for having good things. I want to believe I’m capable of achieving great things without having to doubt my capabilities. I want to believe in a life. I want to believe in love. For once, I want to believe. 

See also: Impossible by Nat Cole King

Days fly by

bubble wrap 
yellow street lights
I don't feel anything except the need to escape
in my home
in my body
I don't think I feel comfortable
hair in the wind 
mind in a haze
I don't try to talk when I'm trying to feel
words spoken 
words unheard
I don't think I know anyone who knows me
beside me 
in the driver's seat
but I want you closer
inside me 
around you
this tension rises and fades
neon light
roads and traffic
I think this life is really tragic